I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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