I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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