Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
