My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize