Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
