my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
