I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize