Michael Bay diarrhea
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
