so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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