Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
