I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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