And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
