Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
