You really coming over, don't trick.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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