is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
