There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
