I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
