sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
