my phone needs a breathalizer
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
