the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
