I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
