you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
