Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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