Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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