the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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