dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
