you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize