Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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