Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize