stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
