I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
