I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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