If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
