Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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