She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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