So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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