I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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