woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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