Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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