just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
