At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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