You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
