Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
