he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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