god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
