The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
