i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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