So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
