I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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