i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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