the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
