Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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