I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
