if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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