don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
