omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
