She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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