She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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