You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
