i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
