I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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