Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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