Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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