"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
