Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
