I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
