Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
