i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
