dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
