So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
