i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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