I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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