i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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