He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I checked into jail on foursquare
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
